Lesson #2

I got a little gutsy in the spring of last year and took a chance on a guy by asking him to a movie. He was busy, he said, so I moved on. One of my college friends gave me a few phone numbers of some guys she was texting. I few of them turned out to be jerks, but one seemed nice. She had tried a relationship with him, but she told me it didn't work out. I'll call him **Ben.

Ben texted me every day, and we would text for hours. He seemed nice, he was into dirt track racing, we would discuss American Idol. Things were going well. He asked me out to the races in Boone, so I went. However, he didn't have a car, so I had to pick him up. He also lived with his parents. And he was 25. And he didn't have a job. Um, a few red flags I was choosing to ignore at the time. Oh! He also told me he had to borrow money from his brother to go on our date! Oh, boy.....

I pick him up, we go to the races; we each pay our own way in. I am so stinking cold because it is 50 degrees outside and the wind is quite powerful. We've been at the races for about five minutes when he asks me on a second date. I unintelligently agree, rather than saying something smooth like, "Let's see how tonight goes" or "Let's make it through tonight, first."

I start trying to cuddle up to him to block the wind, but he doesn't seem to get it. His friend starts texting him, and he keeps responding! Not only that, but he makes noises and laughs so I have to ask what they are talking about. His friend is rather crude about how he thinks the night should end. I really wanted him to put his phone away, but he didn't.

We left for a bit and went to Wal-Mart to warm up and to get Tootsie pops (a good luck charm for the racers). While there, I try to plan a trick on his friend, but Ben isn't having it. I'm trying to do something to salvage the night. We head back to the races for a bit longer. We had agreed to go to Perkins afterwards, so we left a bit early to head to Ames.

While driving there (because I'm the one with the car!), I am really tried and just not into it anymore. But I really wanted some hot cocoa and french toast. My stomach beat out my heart at that particular moment. While driving down Duff Ave, Ben starts twitching and bouncing his leg, like a nervous habit. I don't even want to think about what he might be thinking about, so I just focus on my impending french toast.

As I park in the lot and start to get out of the car, he says wait a second. I look at him....and get slobbered on. I still get the willies thinking about it. I wasn't in that frame of mind at all and was not prepared for my surprise attack. I jump out of my car as quickly as I can and leave him sitting in the front seat.

"I'm so stupid! I ruined it!" blah blah blah. He wouldn't stop beating himself up about it, and I had to actually stop walking and tell him to get over it, it was in the past. Move on. Jiminy Cricket....

We go in, get our food, and I'm too dang nice. He wants to hold my hand, so I let him, but I was very uncomfortable with it. He started gushing about how beautiful I was, how he couldn't believe no one had told me that before, and I should hear it more often. Very intense, very fast. An unease had settled around me, and I felt stuck.

We finished our meal, and I drove him back to his place. The following week, I was a bear at school. So moody and grumpy. I had agreed to that second date so early during the first one, but I really didn't want to go. However, I was afraid of calling up and cancelling.

With the guidance of my teacher family, I did cancel the date. He was upset; but not too much because the day we were supposed to have the date, he was in a facebook relationship with my friend who had set us up! He sure got over me pretty quickly.... blah. Which leads me to.....

Lesson Learned: DON'T SETTLE! I will not settle. I can't be in a relationship just to be in one. I have to care for the person, respect the person, not be completely annoyed by the person. I want to enjoy speaking to him, and feel comfortable around him rather than creeped out. I deserve to be someone's first choice rather than an afterthought, just as he should be first in my book as well.

Ben texted me a few months later after my friend had broken up with him and asked me if I was still seeing **Charlie. (Ha, that story is to come) I told him to leave me alone. About six months after that, he texted me again saying "We never talk anymore." Um, I'm pretty sure that was because I told you to leave me alone. I haven't heard from him since, and he is blocked on my facebook.

Lesson #1

In March of 2012, I was at a karaoke night with some friends. While there, we met a group of guys my friends knew. We played pool, one of the guys tried to help me with my shot (it didn't work), and they scattered when cops were driving by. Apparently they were only 20! Bah! After they left, they texted one of my friends and told her that their friend, let's call him *Andy, thought I was cute and wanted my number. I let her give it to him.

We texted almost everyday for six weeks. He would always text me in the morning and tell me to "Have a good day." I liked knowing he was thinking about me. We talked about racing and random things.  We tried meeting at least half a dozen times, but he always had an excuse to stand me up. He had to drive the ambulance; now, I totally understand this one and respect his choice of being a fireman/ambulance driver. However, the I didn't have a vehicle, I had to shovel the sidewalk, and the no explanations at all, did not fly with me. Every time he stood me up, he would call and talk to me like he knew I was upset. Of course I was!

Towards the end, he called me up, he had been drinking, and was telling me how laid back and cool I was. He thought something else, too, but didn't want to say. I told him since he brought it up, he had to say. He said, "I can totally see us having a relationship." Ha ha! I told him we needed to see each other to have a relationship.

We made plans for him to come over a few days later, and he was going to grill venison for me. I had a suspicion, because of past practice, that I was going to be stood up again, so I had chicken fried rice planned for supper. The time he was supposed to show up came and went so I began cooking. I ate my supper, and sent him some very angry texts. I told him I was not as laid back as he thought because I was very upset. He texted back, "So you don't want me to come over?" Bah. I didn't get an excuse for the tardiness that time. I was just over it. However, I did miss the texts each morning. I liked being on someone's mind.

Lesson Learned: I want, I DESERVE, respect. Respect of being talked to on a regular basis. Respect of being called when plans can't be maintained. Coming to my door to pick me up, walking me to the door when the night is over. R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

What I Will Be

AH! Here we, or I, go again. I'm pretty sure no one will read this, but I feel if I write about my journey, it might hold me a little more accountable. Three years ago, I worked very hard at changing my lifestyle and lost 45 pounds! Whoo hoo! However, I quickly fell back into old ways and gained all the weight back. Since, I've attempted at getting healthy, but the moments last a few weeks.

 This time, I'm serious. I'm using my pedometer. I'll document my steps; create a routine. I've had a big year and a half. I'll write my story bit by bit to help explain, and I've learned five lessons along the way. I've come to a self actualization: I need to love myself before someone else can or will. I think I'll start feeling better about myself the more I exercise and get healthy. I'm on the right track; today when I was walking, I noticed my shoulders were back and my head was held high. It's a start.

I have a goal: I want to be in the One-derland club by the start of the next school year. I will definitely have to work hard, hence the accountability of keeping a record in case someone checks in on me. Here I go....